Windows into the Soul
by theflawintheplan
Summary: During the summer before junior year, Kyle loses his innocence. When even Stan can't lift his spirits, can Cartman, the boy Kyle hates, be his only chance at salvation? Warnings: Slash, implied rape, self-mutilation, and substance abuse, and some OOCness.
1. 19 August

(August 19th)

_I shall not die of a cold. I shall die of having lived. -Willa Cather_

Dear Journal,

I will start by stating that I think that quote really describes me right now. I feel numb-_dead_-from waking up in the morning, until going to sleep at night-and even then, my dreams can't save me from my apathetic death.

-Sigh- I don't do the class assignments anymore, but I'll try to make an exception this time because it sounds like this type of assignment (keeping an emotional diary from the first day until the last day of school) will help me sort out my thoughts and feelings. Otherwise, I fear I'll become too full of this paradoxical emptiness and will surely…well, something bad will occur, I'm quite certain of that. And so I sit at my computer, wondering how to start at the very beginning of the horrid nightmare that has become my life….

~?~?~?~?~?~?~?~?~

"Ike, Mom and Dad just called to let us know dinner is ready." I called, walking toward the section of the beach where the water meets the shoreline. I smiled as he pouted.

"But Kyle, I want to gather the seashells a little longer. Can't we stay for just a few more minutes? Please?"

"Alright Ike…if you want to suffer the wrath of Mom!" I shouted. Ike giggled and tried to run from my outstretched and tickling fingers. We ran through the streets to get back to our hotel, but suddenly I lost sight of Ike as he put on extra speed and turned an abrupt, unseen corner.

After searching for a few minutes, my carefree attitude was completely drained and I frantically sprinted through the streets, wondering where my brother was and praying to the God I no longer believe in that he was safe and sound at the hotel. I stopped running long enough to move cautiously through an abandoned alleyway. About halfway in, the hairs on my neck stood at attention and my hearing was tauntingly assaulted by an icy, fake tone that almost reminded me of Cartman.

Almost. I still don't truly believe he's capable of what the man did next. (Right…?) Anyway, the man stepped out of the shadows as he spoke and I turned slightly to face him.

"What's a young man doing out alone after the sun is gone? Didn't your parents ever warn you? You never know who you're going to meet…." He smiled then, but it was far from a friendly gesture. What happened next I only remember in flashes, as if some invisible Deity were flickering the moonlight on and off.

Fear.

Grabbing.

Ripping.

Tearing.

Scratching.

Biting.

Thrusting.

Pain.

Praying.

Screaming.

Crying.

I hoped I could make enough noise to cause the surrounding people to notice this ugly scene, but every door, every window, every set of eyes were shut tight against the idea that their picturesque vacation spot could ever harbour this type of crime. Even the moon hid behind large, dark clouds as if God Himself abandoned me.

No one paid heed to the boy in need of a saviour.

A/N: I know, _another _story. But someone really wanted it up and I promised her I'd post it a long-ass time ago. So sorry about that **Scorching Skeleton Symphony**, I didn't mean to take that long. I hope the first chapter doesn't have the same fate….^_^"

~theflawintheplan


	2. 20 August

(August 20th)

_In these times you have to be an optimist to open your eyes in the morning. –Carl Sandburg_

Dear Journal,

Today, my family and classmates asked me (yet again) what had happened to change my personality so drastically. I won't tell them anything though—I can't. If they don't pity the past situation, they'll pity my weakness to stop it and I won't be able to stand their stares. Besides, I wouldn't want to burden them with a crime that won't receive justice.

Stan especially will not leave me alone and his persistence, though based on good intentions, is starting to grate on my nerves. He jokingly reminded me of the imaginary town the two of us made when in preschool **(1)**. A place called "Happy Town: where no one ever shouts or cries." He told me to go live there for a while until my sadness faded away….

~?~?~?~?~?~?~?~?~

"Hey, Kyle!"

I cringed slightly as I heard my best friend's voice. He seemed to be everywhere ever since I came back from that "vacation." I began to walk a little faster, but I should have guessed better than anyone else in South Park that Stan was not going to let it go so easily.

"Kyle, hold on!" Stan's athletic body caught up to my studious one with no problems and an easy laugh bubbled up through his lips as his eyes twinkled in genuine mirth—I envied him. He slung an arm around my shoulder and I tried to act like it was only removed because I straightened my shoulders. I did not want to offend my Super Best Friend.

"You know Kyle, you've been avoiding your friends an awful lot lately," he told me seriously. "Is there anything you want to talk about?" His piercing blue eyes seemed to search my very soul for an answer and I suddenly found that I couldn't breathe.

"I…I have to get to class Stan," I muttered. I hoped that would end this little interrogation, considering our next classes were at opposite ends of the school from each other. I should have known I would not have that kind of luck. He grabbed a hold of both my shoulders and looked into my eyes. "Kyle, what's going on? I can see you trying to avoid _Cartman_, but…" he trailed off with another, more sorrowful and nervous chuckle. "You know what you need? You need to go live in Happy Town for a while. You remember that town we created in preschool?"

"I can honestly say I didn't…remember that…." I sighed. The emotional drain this conversation was putting on me created an empty space in my chest until the outside pressure almost had me gasping for breath. I gritted my teeth in pain and anger. Stan looked hurt after my comment and I had the decency to at least attempt looking regretful. He nodded slowly as he gave me yet another searching look.

"Alright," he said finally, and I breathed a quiet sigh of relief. "Alright Kyle, I'll let you get to class now." I glanced behind him and saw Cartman advancing on us. Glad to get away before the Fatass could get to me, I gave a quick, half-hearted wave to Stan and quickly walked away. My fast departure did not save my ears from their "private" conversation about me, however.

"So, what's with the Jew? Is he okay?"

"I wish I knew Cartman, I wish I knew…."

Yes, I was definitely glad to get away. Cartman would have teased me and made me feel even more empty and worthless than I already do right now….

"_Goddamn Jew!"_

"_You're just a stupid Jew!"_

"_I hate you, Kahl…."_

~?~?~?~?~?~?~?~?~

How long will it take before my friends and family discover what happened to me? Another day? Another lifetime? Can't they see that I'll have these memories forever and I don't want to give them the same burden? Can't they see that even if Happy Town really did exist, I'll have to remember for the rest of my life what that man took from me…?

But the town doesn't exist.

I hope Stan never mentions it again….

(August 20th)

Journal,

The Jew has been acting strange lately and I don't know what to make of it. I mean, I could almost understand if he just didn't want to talk to me or Kenny, but he's even been avoiding Stan ever since…. Well, whatever Kyle's reason for acting the way he is, I'll bet it has to do with the vacation his family took over the summer. There's no other explanation.

He ran from me when I tried to ask him about it earlier today, but it's only a matter of time before I get the whole story from him. And I will, or my name isn't Eric T. Cartman.

Signing off for now,

Eric Cartman

A/N: I feel like this isn't the best thing I've ever written especially with the length, but all I wanted for this chapter was to give some information on Cartman and Stan's feelings on Kyle's alienating himself, and Kyle's thoughts on why he shouldn't tell anyone. It wasn't a very intense chapter, but chapter two will be better, I promise.

**(1)** It wasn't said in the show that they made a "town" together (really just a product of imagination and a lot of unused blankets), but come on. Stan and Kyle would do something like this.

Anyway, bear with me and let me know: should I keep the story as this format?

Signing off as well,

~theflawintheplan


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